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Ole and Lena Jokes - Page 2/4

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	Ole is taking Lena out on a date. He gets home, goes upstairs where Lena is standing in the middle of the bedroom naked. "Lena, why are you standing in the middle of the room naked?" asks Ole. "Ohh Ole, I have absolutely nuttin ta vear!" Ole walks over to Lena's closet and opens it. "Lena! Vut do ya mean you have nuttin ta wear? Here's your white dress, here's your black dress, Hello Sven, here's your orange dress.."
	Ole and Lena visit New York City. Caught in traffic on East 46th, a homeless person starts washing the windshield. Ole rolls down the window. "Eh how's it going?" the homeless guy says. "Ohhh it's OK. Ole says.  "Hey where are you folks from?" "Ohh ve're from Minnesota." "Ohhh Minnesota, I've been there. I met the ugliest woman I ever saw in Minnesota!" Lena asks "Vat's he saying Ole?" "Ohhh he says he knows you Lena."
	Ole answered the phone one day and came back to the living room crying. "Vell, Ole! Vat in da vorld is da matter?" asked the sympathetic Lena. "I yust had bad news, Lena," Ole replied, "My fadder yust died!!" Just then the phone rang again, Ole went to answer it and came back crying again. "Vell, now, Ole, vat is da matter?" asked Lena. "Dat vas my brudder." said Ole. "His fadder yust died too!"
	Minnesota's worst air disaster occurred earlier today when a Cessna 152, a small two-seater plane, crashed into a Norwegian cemetery here early this morning. Ole and Sven, working as search and rescue workers, have recovered 826 bodies so far, and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.
	Sven & Ole were working for the city of Minneapolis. Sven would dig a hole - he would dig, dig, dig. Ole would come along and fill the hole - fill, fill, fill. Sven and Ole worked furiously; one digging a hole, the other filling it up again. A man was watching from the sidewalk and couldn't believe how hard these men were working, but couldn't understand what they were doing. Finally he had to ask them. He said to Sven the hole digger, "I appreciate how hard you work, but what are you doing? You dig a hole and your partner comes along behind you and fills it up again!" Sven, hole digger replied, "Yeah, I suppose it does look funny, but Lars, da guy who plants da trees is sick today."
	Ole always caught his limit of fish and he would never tell anyone his secret. Finally the Game Warden threatened to take away Ole's license unless Ole taught him how he did it. Ole finally agreed to meet him early one morning to go fishing. The Game Warden came with six rods and three tackle boxes, so he'd be ready for anything. Ole showed up with a small brown paper bag. They climbed in a row boat and Ole rowed out to a spot on the lake. Ole then opened his bag and pulled out a stick of dynamite, lit it and tossed it into the water. After an explosion and shower of water, dozens of fish floated to the surface. Ole started to row the boat around picking up fish. The Game Warden was surprised and furious. He shouted, "Ole, you can't do that! It's against the LAW!" Ole calmly reached into his bag and took out another stick of dynamite and lit it. He tossed it to the Game Warden and asked, "Vell, are ya gonna to talk? Or, ya gonna fish?"
	Sven and Ole were busy shingling a roof when Sven noticed that Ole was throwing away about half of the nails. Sven asked, "vy are ya trowing avay all dose nails"? "Vell, dey got da heads on da wrong ends"! ,replied Ole. "Ole, you sure are stupid. Dose nails are for da udder side of da roof!"
	Ole and Sven die and wake up in hell. The next day the devil stops in to check on them and sees them dressed in parkas, mittens and bomber hats warming themselves around a fire. The devil asks them "What are you doing? Isn't it hot enough for you? Ole and Sven reply, "Vell ya know, ve're from Nordern Minnesoda, the land of ice and snow and cold. Ve're yust happy for da chance ta varm up a bit, don 't ya know." The devil decides that these two aren't miserable enough and turns up the heat. The next morning he stops by again and there they are, still dressed in parkas, hats and mittens. The devil asks them again, "It's awfully hot down here, can't you two feel that?" Again Ole and Sven reply, "Vell, like ve told you yesterday, ve're from Nordern Minnesoda, the land of ice and snow and cold. Ve're yust happy for da chance ta warm up a bit ya know." This gets the devil a bit steamed and he decides to show these two just who is in charge down here. He cranks up the heat as high as it can go. The rest of the people are screaming and miserable. He stops by to see if his two Minnesota tenants are the same, and is astonished to find them in light jackets and baseball caps, grilling walleye and drinking beer. The devil says "Everyone down here is in absolute misery, and you two seem to be enjoying yourselves! Why?" Ole and Sven reply, "Vell, ya know ve don't get too many varm days up dere in International Falls, ve just got to have a fish fry vhen da vedder is dis nice." This absolutely incenses the devil, he can barely see straight. He finally comes up with a plan to set these two straight. These two guys love the heat because they have been cold all their lives, so he decides to turn off all the heat. The next morning, the temperature in hell is below zero, icicles are hanging off the ceilings, people are shivering so much that they don't even have the strength to complain. The devil smiles and heads over to check on Ole &Sven. He arrives and finds the two back in their parkas, hats, and mittens. They are jumping up and down, cheering, and giving each other hi-fives. The devil is now quite dumbfounded, "I just don't understand, I turn up the heat and you're happy. Now I turn off the heat, it's freezing and you're still happy. Why?" Ole and Sven stop their celebration and look at the devil with a surprised look and say "Vell, don't ya know, hell froze over... dat must mean da Vikings von da Super Bowl!"
	It seems Ole had at last scraped up enough money to fly back to Norway to visit his relatives. He was excited and happy and when he boarded the airplane he took the first seat he came to, in first class. Very shortly another passenger came up to him and said, "Sir, you'll have to move. That's my seat. I have the ticket for it." "You don't understand," Ole answered. "I'm going back to Norway for the first time and I'm so excited and I need this front seat." No amount of talking could get Ole to move, so the passenger summoned the stewardness who said, "Sir, that is this gentleman's seat and you'll have to move." "You don't understand," Ole said again. "I'm going back to Norvay for da first time and I need dis seat so I can get off da airplane quickly to see my relatives." The stewardess tried and tried, but couldn't get Ole to move. She finally called the captain, but he couldn't do any good either until he finally leaned down and whispered something in Ole's ear. Ole then said, "Oh. All Right." And he quickly moved to his assigned seat in the rear of the airplane. "What did you tell him?" the amazed stewardess and other passenger asked. "We couldn't budge him." "Oh," the captain replied. "I just told him this seat didn't go to Norway."
	Ole told Lena one morning that he was going to chop down 20 trees in the woods with his ax and he would be done by suppertime. He worked and worked all day long and could only chop down one tree. He was so tired that when he came in for supper he went right to sleep without eating. The next morning Ole gets up bright and early and tells Lena: "I am goin' into town to pick me up vun of dose chain saws. Dat der ax yust don't vurk too good." So Ole heads off into town and stops at the hardware store to buy a chain saw. He tells the hardware store owner what he wants and the owner says: "Ah, here's the chain saw you want and it is guaranteed to cut down 20 trees in a day." Ole gets all excited and says: "dat's yust vhat I need! I'll buy it." So Ole takes his new chainsaw home and gets up bright and early again the next day. He works all day and can still only cut down one more tree. He is beat red while he tells Lena: "Dis here chain is a piece of yunk! I am going to get my money back!!" He storms back into town the next day to return the chain saw. He tells the hardware store owner: "Dis here chain saw you sold is defective. You told me I could cut down tventy trees and I could only cut down vun!!!" The store owner looks puzzled and says: "oh?, let's see if it works OK." The store owner proceeds to start up the chain saw and it runs perfectly normal. BRRUMMMM....Mmamamamama.....BRUMMMMM..mmamamamama Ole jumps back in horror and yells: "Vat da Lutefisk is dat NOISE!!"
	Ole and Lena went to the hospital so Lena could give birth to their first baby. As Ole waited in the lobby, the doctor came out to inform him that he had some good news and some bad news. "The good news is that you have a normal baby boy. The bad news is that is is a Caesarian." Ole started crying: "Vell, I'm glad it is a healthy baby...but I vas kinda hoping it vould be a Norvegian."
	Sven was just pulling his boat up on shore when Ole wandered up with a puzzlement: Ole: Sven! Vat cho been doin? Sven: I bin fishin, Ole. Wha cho tink I bin doin with dese here rods? Ole: Ditcha catch anythin? Sven: (Under his breath: "Dumb svede.") Of course I catch somethin. Sven alvays catches ven he fishes. Ole: If I guess how many you catch will you gimme one o' dem? Sven: If you guesses how many I catch I'll give you BOTH a dem! Ole: I guess TREE! Sven: Dat ain't bad for a Svede. You only missed it by TWO!
	Sven and Ole bought a new car. They were so excited about it that when they got home they locked the keys in the car. Sven says to Ole, "I thought you had the keys." Ole says, "You ver driving, da driver always takes da keys." "Well," says Sven, "It doesn't much matter, da question is vat are ve going ta do about it." Ole says, "I don't know, but ve bedder come up vit someting fast because it looks like rain, and you had ta go and leave da top down."
	Sven and Ole were building a house. Sven was holding a board and Ole was sawing it. All of a sudden, the saw slipped and cut off one of Sven's ears. They both were digging through the sawdust to find it, and Ole picked up an ear. Ole says, " Is this it? Sven says, "Naw, mine had a pencil behind it."
	Ole and Lena had been married seven years. Lena was getting worried that Ole might be getting the seven year itch. She thought he was cheating on her. Lena says to Ole "You never tell me you love me. Is there someone else?" Ole replies "When ve got married I told you I loved you. If I ever change my mind I'll let ya know."
	Ole and Lars go ice fishin. Ole pulls out his new thermos and Lars says to him, "Ole, whatcha got der?". Ole says, "Well Lars, dis here's a thermos. It keeps hot tings hot, and it keeps cold tings cold." After awhile, Lars gets curious and says, "Vell Ole, whatcha got in dat der thermos?" Ole says, "Vell Lars, I got a popsicle, and two cups a coffee."
	Ole decides he will go into town to buy some groceries. So off he goes. Within a few minutes, he comes to a river. He looks up and down and across, but cannot see either a bridge or a spot to cross. Just as he is about to give up and go home, his good friend Sven arrives on the other side. Ole calls out and asks how to get to the other side. Sven is surprised by the question. He looks up the river and down, then down at his feet and then across at Ole. Sven responds: "You are on da udder side!"
	Ole and Lena had an argument while they were driving down a country road. After a while they got tired of repeating themselves and neither wanted to back down, so they drove along not saying a word. Than, as they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, Lena sarcastically asked, "Relatives of yours?" "Yup," Ole replied. "In-laws."

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