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Ole and Lena Jokes - Page 3/4

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	Ole and Lena were at the fair and saw a pilot giving rides. They went up to the pilot and asked how much it was, the pilot said, "Twenty dollars." Ole said, "Dat's vay too much! I won't pay dat!" Then the pilot said, "Well......If you make it through the whole ride without screaming, I wont make you pay." Ole talked to Lena for a little while and they agreed that it was alright. So the pilot took them up in the plane and started doing a bunch of barrel roles and stuff to make them scream, but he never heard them scream. After the ride was over the pilot said, "I am surprised that you didn't scream, most people do." Ole said, "Yeah, but it vas really hard ven Lena fell out."
	Ole and Sven are working on a barn. The wind comes up and blows their ladder over. Ole asks Sven, "How are ve going ta get down?" Sven looks around the roof for a while then says, "Well ders a manure pile on dat side a da barn ve could jump in to soften da landing." Ole said, "OK Sven, but you go first, it vas your idea!" So Sven jumps off into the manure. Ole yells down to him, "How deep is it Sven?" Sven yells back, "Its only up to my ankles!" So Ole jumped down too and they both climb out of the manure pile. Ole turns to Sven and said, "Sven vat da hell did you mean it vas only up ta your ankles? It vas up ta my EARS!" Sven replies, "Ya, but I jumped in head first."
	Lena stepped up to the clerk in the department store and said, "Can I try on dat dress in da window?" The clerk responded, "We'd really prefer that you try it on in the dressing room."
	A neighbor asked Ole why the Norwegian government doesn't draft men until age 45. Ole Explained, "Dey vant to get dem right otta of high school."
	Ole was getting ready to go to work one day when Lena stopped him and complained, "Ole, the vashing machine is broke down don't ya know, I vant ya to fix it!". Ole walked out the door yelling, "Lena, vat do I look like, da Maytag repairman?"  That evening when Ole got home Lena was standing in the yard and said to Ole, "Ole, da car it von't start! Please Ole, fix da car". Ole kept walking into the house yelling, "Lena, Lena, vat do I look like, Mr. Goodwrench?" The next day when Ole came home from work Lena said, "Look Ole, da car, it is fixed and the vashing machine, it is vorking too! Lars down da road come by and I asked him if he would fix it for me". "And vat did he charge ya for doin' it?", Ole asked. Lena replied, "Vell Ole, he said he would do it for some romance (Vell ya know) or if I baked him a cake." "Vell, vut kind of a cake did you make him?", asked Ole Lena replied, "Vat do I look like, Betty Crocker?"
	Ole and Lars worked on a construction crew. One day Lars noticed that the foreman always left the project about an hour early. "Say Ole," suggested Lars, "Vy don't WE take off a little early too... yust like da foreman." So they agreed to try it. As soon as Ole got home, he looked all over for Lena. Finally he opened the bedroom door...and there she was (Vell ya know) in bed with the foreman. Ole silently closed the door and tiptoed out of the house. The next day, Ole confronted Lars. "Ve better not try anudder stunt like ve did yesterday. I almost got caught!"
	A Norwegian appeared with five other men in a rape case police line-up. As the victim entered the room, the Norwegian blurted, "Yep, dat's her!"
	Vun day, Sven vas valking down da street ven who did he see driving a brand new Chevrolet? It vas Ole. Ole pulled up to him vit a vide smile. "Ole, vere did ya get dat car?" Sven asked. "Lena gave it to me". "She gave it to you? I knew she vas sveet on you, but dis?". "Vell, let me tell you vat happened. Ve vere driving out on county road 6, in da middle of novere. Lena pulled off da road into da woods. She parked, got out of da car, trew off alla her clothes and said, "Ole take vatever you vant."...So I took da car" "Ole, your a smart man, dem clothes never voulda fit ya."
	Ole was going on a trip to Norway and after boarding the plane he sat down in seat 16A. After a few minutes the passenger assigned to seat 16A came along and pointed out to Ole that he was in the wrong seat. Ole told the other passenger that he was comfortable where he was and the other passenger could find another seat. The passenger tried to convince Ole to move by showing him his ticket and seat assignment. Ole refused to move. In frustration, the passenger went to see the stewardess and told her what had happened. The stewardess spoke to Ole at length but was unable to convince him to move. The stewardess got very vocal with Ole and after coming to the verge of losing her temper she gave up and went to see if the captain could help. The captain came back to Ole, bent down toward Ole's ear and whispered something. Ole jumped to his feet and ran back to his proper seat. The other passenger and the stewardess were astonished that the captain could get Ole to move so easily. They asked him what he whispered to Ole. The captain said, "I just told him that 16A wasn't going to Norway."
	Ole and Sven, the old retired Norwegian boys, lived at the Old Retired Norwegian Home. One afternoon they were sitting on the front porch looking at the sunset and talking about this and that. Lena, who lived there too, was standing around the corner and heard the boys talking. Being a mischievous lady, Lena decided to play a trick on the boys. Taking off all her clothes, she ran around the corner and raced past Ole and Sven as fast as she could run. Ole and Sven watch in astonishment as Lena runs past. Finally, Ole asks, "Vasn't dat Lena?" Sven replies, "Yah, ay... ay tank so..." Ole says, "But, vat vas she vearing?" Sven shakes his head and says, "Yah, ay don't know, but vatever it vas, it sure needed ironing!"
	After years of marriage, Ole and Lena found themselves in bed one night. Lena leaned over to Ole and said, "Ole, have you ever been unfaithful during all our years of marriage?" "Not even once!" exclaimed Ole. "Lena, have you ever been unfaithful?" "Well, er, yes - but only tree times," she admitted somewhat embarrassed. "Hmmm, tree times?" questioned Ole. "Dat's not so bad. Do you remember dose tree times? Can you tell me when?" "Vell Ole, do you remember ven you wanted to build an addition, but had to get da okay from da building inspector?" she asked. "Dat vas da first time." "And do you remember ven you wanted ta build da store and you had a hard time getting approval from da City Council?" asked Lena. "That vas da second time." "OK, Lena, when vas da tird time?" asked Ole? "The tird time vas " Lena paused. "Do you remember ven you were running for president of da Sons of Norway and you needed dose 125 votes?"
	Sven sticks his head into Ole's barber shop and asks "Hey, Ole how long before I can get a haircut?" Ole looks around the shop and says "about 2 hours," and the Sven leaves. A few days later Sven sticks his head in the door and asks..."how long before I can get a haircut?" Again, Ole looks around at shop full of customers and says "About 2 hours." Sven leaves again. A week later Sven sticks his head in the shop and asks Ole "how long before I can get a haircut?" Ole looks around the shop and says "about an hour and a half". Sven leaves again. Ole looks over at Nels in the shop and says "Hey, Nels, I'll give you a free cut if you follow Sven and see where he goes." In a little while, Nels comes back into the shop laughing hysterically. Ole says, "Dis must be good, ver did he go ven he left here?" Nels replies, "Ole he vent to your house!"
	Ole and Lena were lying in bed one night when the phone rang, Ole answered it and Lena heard him yell, "Vell, how da hell should I know, dats over 2,000 miles away" and he hung up. Lena say's "who vas dat Ole?" Ole say's "Hell if I know, some guy vants ta know if da coast is clear."
	Sven runs into the vet's office carrying his dog, screaming for help. Ole the Vet rushes him back to an examination room and has him put his dog down on the examination table. Ole examines the still, limp body and after a few moments tells Sven that his dog, regrettably, is dead. Sven, clearly agitated and not willing to accept this, demands a second opinion. Ole goes into the back room and comes out with a cat and puts the cat down next to the dog's body. The cat sniffs the body, walks from head to tail poking and sniffing the dog's body and finally looks at Ole and meows. Ole looks at the Sven and says, "I'm sorry, but da cat tinks dat your dog is dead too." Sven is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead. Ole then brings in a black Labrador. The lab sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, and finally looks at Ole and barks. Ole looks at Sven and says, "I'm sorry, but da lab tinks your dog is dead too." Sven, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks Ole and asks how much he owes. Ole answers, "$650". "$650 to tell me my dog is dead?!" exclaimed Sven. "Well," Ole replies, "I would only have charged you $50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $600 vas for da cat scan and da lab test."
	A bar customer asked the bartender if he wanted to hear a Norwegian joke. The bartender pointed to a large man at the end of the bar and said, "He's Norwegian.'' Then the bartender pointed to a burly policeman near the door and repeated, "He's Norwegian.'' The bartender finished, ``Now think about whether you want to tell that joke, because I'm Norwegian, too.'' The customer replied, "I guess I won't tell that joke after all. I'd have to explain it three times.''
	Every year for the 17th of May parade the Swedes line up on one side of the road for the parade, the Norwegians on the other side. Those crazy Swedes would throw firecrackers at the Norwegians. Of course the Norwegians would get mad and light the firecrackers and throw them back.
	Ole goes into a lumber yard to buy some 2x4's."May I help you", asks the salesman. "How long do you want' em?" Ole replies: "Oh, for long time. I'm building a house."
	Sven came home to his apartment one night, all Upset. "Dat yanitor, vot a bragger. He says he's (Vell ya know) been with every voman in dis building except one." "Hmmph," said his wife Lena. "Must be dat snooty Mrs.Johnson on da tird floor."
	Sven and Ole go to the beach, and after a couple hours Sven says, "This ain't no fun. How come da girls aren't friendly to me?" "Well, I tell you, Sven, maybe if you put a big potato in your swim trunks, dat would help." So Sven does, but he comes back to Ole later, and he says, "I tried vat you told me with da potato, but it doesn't help." "Um, Sven, you're supposed to put da potato in da FRONT!"
	In the middle of the show, Ole stands up and yells at the ventriloquist, "HEY! You've been making too many jokes about us Norwegians! Knock it off ya bum!" The ventriloquist replies, "Take it easy. They're only jokes!" Ole replies, "You idiot, I'm not talking to you. I'm talking to dat little guy sitting on yer knee!"
	Ole was on his deathbed and implored his wife Lena, "Lena, ven I'm gone, I vant you to marry Sven Svenson". "Vy Sven Svenson?" his wife asked. "You've hated him all of your life!" "Still do," gasped Ole.
	The Swedes and the Norwegians had a football game, starting at 10 a.m. For two hours they played a scoreless game. When the lunch bell rang at high noon, the Norwegians walked off the field to go home for lunch. Three plays later, the Swedes scored.
	Ole and Sven are standing on a bridge fishing in the river below. Suddenly Sven sees in the distance a funeral procession coming. Sven reels in turns, toward the road, places his fish pole over his shoulder and stands at attention until it passes by Ole says "Vy Sven dat vas such a respectful ting to do. I am really proud of you for doing it." Sven says "Sure Ole, but do ya know I vas married to dat voman for tirty-five years".

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