Ole and Lena Jokes

Ole and Lena Jokes - Page 4/4

[ page 1 | page 2 | page 3 | page 4 ]

Ole and Sven go moose hunting every winter without any success. Finally, they come up with a foolproof plan. They get a very authentic female moose costume and learn the mating call of a female moose. The plan is to hide in the costume, lure the bull, then come out of the costume and shoot it. They set themselves up on the edge of a clearing, don their costume, and begin to give the moose love call.

Before long, their call is answered when a bull comes crashing out of the forest and into the clearing. When the bull is close enough, Ole shouts, "Okay, let’s get out and get him."

After a moment that seemed like an eternity, Sven in the back shouts, "Da zipper is stuck! Da zipper is stuck! Ole, vat are ve gonna do?"

Ole says, "Vell Sven, I'm going ta start nibbling grass, but you'd better brace yourself."

Ole, Sven and Lars die in a tragic Lutefisk accident. They are met by God on the stairway to heaven.

God says, "There are 3,000 steps to heaven. It's very serious up there. I'll tell you a joke on each 1,000th step you reach. If you laugh you go to hell."

So they start walking and reach to the first 1,000th step. God tells a joke, Lars laughs out loud and goes straight to hell. Ole and Sven look at each other nervously.

On the 2,000th step God tells another joke, Sven tries his best but laughs and goes to straight to hell.

On the 3,000th step God tells the last and best joke, Ole doesn't laugh and proceeds to the gate.

Suddenly, Ole bursts out laughing hysterically. God asks, "What are you laughing about?".

Ole replies, "Oh dat's funny. I yust got da first yoke!".

Ole and Lena were married for 40 years. When they first got married Ole said, "I am putting a box under da bed. You must promise never ta look in it." In all their 40 years of marriage Lena never looked. However on the afternoon of their 40th anniversary curiosity got the best of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box were 3 empty beer cans and $1934.87 in cash. She closed the box and put it back under the bed.

Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why. That evening they were out for a special dinner. After dinner Lena could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed, saying, "I am so sorry Ole. For all dese years I kept my promise and never looked inta da box under our bed. However today da temptation vas too much and I gave in. But now I need ta know vy do you keep da cans in da box?"

Ole thought for a while and said, "I guess after all dese years you deserve ta know da truth. Whenever I vas unfaithful ta you I put an empty beer can in da box under da bed to remind myself not to do it again."

Lena was shocked, but said, "I am very disappointed and saddened but I guess after all dose years away from home on the road, temptation does happen and I guess dat 3 times is not dat bad considering da years." They hugged and made their peace.
A little while later Lena asked, "Ole, vy do you have all dat money in da box?" Ole answered, "Oh, Whenever da box filled with empties, I cashed em in."

Ole came home from a long business trip to find his son riding a new 21 speed mountain bike.

"Vere did you get da money for da bike? Dat musta cost $500," he asked.

"It was easy, Dad," little Lars replied. "I earned it hiking."

"Come on Lars," Ole said. "Tell me da truth."

"Dat is da truth Dad!" Lars replied.

"Every night you ver gone, Sven, would come over to see Mom. He'd give me a $10 bill and tell me ta take a hike!"

Lena goes to the doctor and complains that her husband Ole is losing interest in (Vell ya know). The doctor gives her a pill, but warns her that it is still experimental and tells her to slip it into some of Ole's mashed potatoes at dinner.

About a week later, Lena is back at the doctor.

Lena says, "Doc, da pill verked great! I put it in da potatoes like you said! It wasn't five minutes, and Ole jumps up, rakes all da food and dishes on da floor, grabs me, rips all my clothes off, and ravages me right there on da table!"

The doctor says, "I'm sorry, we didn't realize the pill was that strong. The foundation will be glad to pay for any damages."

"Naah," Lena says, "Dat's okay. Ve aren't going back ta dat restaurant anyvay."

Ole is traveling on a train and learns that he and pretty woman who he's never met before have to share the same sleeping carriage.

After the initial embarrassment they both go to sleep, the woman on the top bunk, Ole on the lower bunk.

In the middle of the night the woman leans over, wakes Ole and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly get me another blanket."

Ole leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, "I've got a better idea... just for tonight, let's pretend ve're married."

The woman thinks for a moment. "Why not," she giggles.

"Great," Ole replies, "Get your own damn blanket!"

An airline captain was helping Lena, a new flight attendant prepare for her first overnight trip. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the Lena the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.

The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed Lena was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up to ask what happened to her.

Lena answered the phone, crying, and said, "I can't get outta da room!"

"You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked. "Why not?"

She replied, "Dere's only tree doors in here," she sobbed, "one is da bathroom, one is da closet, and one has a sign on it dat says 'Do Not Disturb'!"

One day Ole gets a plan to make some money so he goes to one of the rich neighborhoods. Ole rings the door bell and says, "Hello, is der anyting I could do for you ta make some money?"

The man thinks and says, "Sure, can paint my porch. You will find all the stuff in the garage."

Ole says, "O.K., How much vill ya pay me?"

The man says, "How much does fifty bucks sound?"

Ole quickly agrees and get straight to work. The wife who had heard the conversation inside says, "50 bucks, I hope she knows the porch goes all around the house!"

Two hours later Ole knocks on the door and says, "O.K. I am done. Can I have da money now?"

Surprised the man replies, "OK, Let me get the money"

He comes back and Ole says as he is leaving, "By da vay, Dat's a Ferrari, not a Porch-e!"

Wanting a portrait with which to surprise her husband, a beautiful woman asks talented artist Ole to to paint her in the nude.

"No," Ole replies. "I don't do dat sorta ting."

"But what if I double your fee?" asks the woman.

"Nope, sorry. Von't do it." replies Ole.

"How about I give you five times what you normally get?" pleads the woman.

"Oh, okay den," says Ole, "But I'm keeping my socks on. I need a place ta put my brushes."

Two bowling teams, one Swedish, one Norwegian, charter a double-decker bus for a weekend bowling tournament. The Swedish team rides on the bottom level of the bus, the Norwegian team rides on the top level.

The Swedish team, down below, is wooping it up and having a great time until one of them realizes he doesn't hear anything from the Norwegians upstairs. So, he decides to investigate.

When the Swede reaches the top, he finds the Norwegian team staring straight ahead at the road, frozen in fear, clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles.

"What's going on up here?" asks the Swede. "We're having a great time downstairs!"

"Ya," screams a terrified Norwegian, "but you've got a driver!"

Ole was driving in traffic when he was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down. The man walked up to the Ole's car and asked, "Are you going to Oslo?"

"Sure," answered Ole, "Do you need a lift?"

"Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be delivered to the Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I'll give you fifty dollars for your trouble."

"I'd be happy to," said Ole.

So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of Ole's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts. Off they went.

Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of Oslo when suddenly he was horrified. There was Ole walking down the street and holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of the crowd.

With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde.
"What the hell are you doing here?" he demanded, "I gave you fifty dollars to take these chimpanzees to the zoo."

"Ya, I know ya did," said Ole, "but yust as ve got der it looked like it vas goin ta rain, so ve decided to go see a movie instead."

Ole walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist for a bottom deodorant. "Sorry, we don't sell bottom deodorant" the pharmacist replies, struggling to keep from laughing.

"But I alvays buy it here", Ole says. "I bought one last month".

Thinking quickly, the pharmacist suggests, " I don't know what you bought before, may be you can bring in the empty container next time". "Sure", Ole replies. "I'll bring it vith me tomorrow"

The next day, Ole walks into the shop again and hands the pharmacist an almost empty deodorant stick. "This is just a normal deodorant", the pharmacist tells Ole, "You use it under your arms".

"No, it is not", Ole answers, "it says so here: To apply, push up bottom".

Ole tried to sell his car. He was having a lot of problems selling it because the car had 250,000 miles on it.

One day, he told his problem to a Sven who worked at the gas station. Sven told him, "Ole, der's a way ta make da car easier ta sell, but it ain't legal."

"Dat don't matter," replied Ole, "If I only can sell the car, dat's ok."

"Okay," said Sven. "Here's da address of a frienda mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell em I sent you and he vill turn da counter in yer car back ta 50,000 miles. Den it von't be a problem ta sell yer car anymore."

The following weekend, Ole made the trip to the mechanic. About one month after that, Sven asked Ole, "Vell Ole, did ya sell yer car?"

"No," replied Ole, "Vy should I ya dummy? Now it only has 50,000 miles on it."

Ole and Lena were always out of ice in their home. They couldn't make it. They could never remember the recipe!

Ole gives Lena a new cell phone for Christmas. The next day she's at Wal-Mart and the phone rings. Ole is on the phone and asks her how she likes her new cell phone.

Lena replies, "Great Ole but howda know I was at da Wal-Mart?!

Ole, Sven and Lars are in jail for stealing Lutefisk when they decide to break out. To their amazement, their plan works and they find themselves free and on the run.

Ole sees a barn. "Let's hide in da hayloft of dat barn, dey'll never find us in dere!"

After sleeping the night in the barn, Ole hears police officers outside. One of the officers yells, "Come out with your hands in the air you lousy Lutefisk lifters!"

Ole says to Sven and Lars, "Hide in dose baskets over dere. Dey'll never find us in dose!"

So Ole gets in the first basket, Sven gets in the second basket and the Lars gets in the third basket.

Meanwhile, the officers get a ladder set up and are climbing up to the loft. Once they get up, one officer starts kicking the baskets.

He kicks the first basket. Ole's inside and shouts, "RUFF-RUFF!"

"It's just a dog in this one!" yells the officer.

He kicks the second basket. Sven's inside and shouts, "MEOW!"

"It's just a cat in this basket!" yells the officer.

He kicks the third basket and the Lars yells out, "POTATOES!"

Lena is taking a shower when the doorbell rings. Ole, in the bathroom upstairs, yells for her to get the door. Lena throws a towel on and runs down to open the door. Sven, their neighbor is there. Sven looks at Lena with only her towel on and says, "Lena if you drop da towel, I vill give you five-hunnerd dollars."

So Lena drops her towel. Keeping his promise, Sven gives her the money and leaves. Lena closes the door and goes back to the bathroom. Ole asks her, "Who vas dat?

Lena replies, "Oh, dat vas Sven from next door." Lena thinks fast. "I don't know vat he vanted doh."

Ole then asks, "Did he say anyting about da five-hunnerd dollars he owes me?"

Ole goes to the doctor and says, "Everywhere I touch with my finger hurts."

The doctor asks "What do you mean?"

So Ole shows him what he means. He touches his knee and says "Ouch!" Then he touches his chest and says, "Ouch!" Then he touches his shoulder, "Ouch!"

The doctor looks at Ole and shakes his head. "Ole you dummy, you got a broken finger!"

[ page 1 | page 2 | page 3 | page 4 ]